Ramblings of a Starbeam

First off, I just want to say thank you to so many people for checking on me. It makes me feel loved and not alone.  Second, I am doing better today. I am getting pretty good at bouncing back from the ongoing shit. I have had to do a lot of healing and releasing lately, which has been aggressive yet good. One of my techniques is to change the narrative. And thus, I write.  My first belief was that again I allowed someone close enough to hurt me. NEWSFLASH - People are going to hurt me, you, everyone, the world, etc. Life is pain. Suffering however is optional. Buddha talks about acceptance as a way to release suffering. Acceptance is tricky. It doesn't mean accepting and then staying in shitty situations. It means accepting shitty situations are going to happen and then acting accordingly. It means having your eyes open to reality, instead of what you want it to be.  This situation triggered some untrue beliefs. My initial response was to blame myself. I should have been smarter. I

 Damn, two in one summer. But this time it wasn't finished. This time I stopped it. Dating is dangerous.  Again, someone I thought I could trust. Someone I had dated. I told him that I would see him when he was around, but that I wouldn't date him because he is always traveling for work. I didn't want to have sex with him. I stopped him. I spoke up for myself.  He bought me dinner and paid for my drinks. Kept buying me patron shots. You know I can be a bit bouje. He wanted to get me drunk. I wanted to make sure he got home safe. He couldn't remember where his hotel was. Or he wouldn't tell me anyways. I was going to make sure that he got home to his hotel and then Lyft home. I let him come home with me. He has spent the night before so it should have been fine. It was a dumb move. I thought it would be innocent. I laid on the couch watching tv, hoping to fall asleep and not deal with him. He said, let's go to bed. I said fine. I went to bed. I pretended to be as

Covid has been leading to some rapid healing. The pains inside of me have been acting out because I am constantly under stress. It has been a time of massive healing. It is a period of intentional growth so I do not fall into these massive holes inside of me.  The latest script that has been called to attention is the way that I have allowed myself to be treated by people that supposedly cared about me. I have a lot of trauma of not feeling safe or secure. It has created these scripts inside of me that has attracted abusers. Being abused is the role that I have played. I have been a doormat to be "loved" and to be "accepted." What a pretty little rug to be admired and stomped on. I have allowed myself to be in this situation. I stayed and continued this pattern.  And I am not fucking doing it anymore. It took feeling like I gave the keys to the fox for the hen house to watch him destroy it. He is not a good person. He is not the person that he pretends to be. I allo