Here's the DL on my trauma, either for your empathy or morbid curiosity.

I have been having so many flashbacks. This is why I used to drink. Drinking would help me feel safe in my body. It would drown out the pain that was so loud. I have been alcohol free for over 120 days now. 

Trigger alert: childhood sexual abuse. 

I have been having visceral and visual flashbacks of being sexually abused when I was 5 years old. Recently when I was intimate with my partner, I couldn't close my eyes because I would be back there.  

Being molested at 5 years old multiple times and being threatened is horrific. If I pray to God to save me, if I am not saved, does that mean I deserve this? I am so little that this must be true. It's not true. I know that now. But all I felt like for such a long time was a sex object. Who does that to a kid, to a person? This shit has been buried so deep in me that it has only been coming out the last few years. What happened during covid almost broke me but it allowed me to uncover this deeply buried trauma that has sabotaged my life. 

I am recovering as I am allowing myself to feel it all. But it is fucking terrible to live in a world with a body that experienced this at such a young age. Do you know what this did to my life? It really fucked me up. I didn't learn healthy coping skills. I learned anger and avoidance. I left a church that told me that everything was bad. Half of it wasn't. Now I am left figuring out what is helpful and what is not. 

Alcohol taught me confidence. Alcohol taught me that I was sexy. I gave into her and let myself be consumed by her. She is a merciless mastress. She will take everything and leave you with nothing if you let her. I slowly have backed away from her. What used to make my body feel safe has hurt me even more. I let me be hurt even more. Now I am left dealing with the pieces of me. 

I am grateful to have gotten this far. My head is clearing. I have healthier coping skills with my emotions. Sometimes that is laying on the couch and watching tv for hours so I can disconnect enough to go back to work and show up for other peoples' problems. I love my job. I am so grateful for my job. It helps keep me together. But guys, I am a functional mess LOL 

I wish I didn't learn the way that I did. I wish I didn't have all of the experiences that I did. I wish I could have had more safety growing up. But my experiences have made me who I am. I choose to transform the dirt that has been given to me to make castles. 

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