Ramblings of a Starbeam

Last night, a stranger sent me these messages. I am not in an exclusive relationship, but that is generally an easy deterrent when dealing with men. I do not understand why men think it is okay to treat women this way. It makes me feel unsafe. This is an unsafe feeling that I have had for a long time. There are things that I don't remember all of the details. But I am going to tell you what I do remember. I don't like to attract unwanted attention. It is one of the reasons that I am comfortable carrying a little extra weight. It is the reason I don't do myself up a lot. It is one reason that I enjoy kickboxing. I purposefully post a lot of other pictures on social media that aren't of me done up, because I don't want to be seen in a sexual object way. It is a reason I don't call too much attention to myself. I have had too many experiences where I have been treated like an object. In high school, I used to always do my makeup. There was a boy w

This is very anxiety producing to say the least. I am struggling to not be consumed by my anxiety. I am amping up my self care to counteract the anxiety. This morning, I went for a run to work out some of my anxiety. I am grateful that I live near the Jordan River, which enhanced my run. One of my biggest concerns has been my household. I want to make sure we are okay throughout this pandemic. My roomies are my family. If you have met them, you know how important they are to me. They have all been stressed out and worried. I am a little more prepared. I had an experience with a recession. I worked at DiscoverCard in collections from 2008 to 2012. I was able to see the impacts of this economic downturn. It taught me to save, save, save. I have been lucky enough to save money. I am lucky enough to have a savings account and have a job that I can pay my mortgage. I can take care of my little group of people. <3 Additionally, another concern has been the amount of information that i

I feel like that I have nothing valuable or different to say. I just say what other people say. I don't write because I am afraid it won't be any good. I am afraid it will be just average and average isn't good enough. I am an imposter. So I never take the risk to learn how to write. Writing is a skill. It requires practice and risk. If I would write only for myself, then I can judge my own work. There is this online environment where everything you do has to be something unique and beautiful. I don't know that I can really say something that hasn't been said. Maybe I can say something in a different way that might appeal to an audience. But then I ask myself, what is the purpose of me writing? Do I write for others, or do I write for myself? If I am honest with myself, I write because I have a voice that wants to be heard. If writing is about expressing myself, then I don't need an audience. If it is in the act of being heard, then it is depende