Changing the Narrative - Healing from Trauma

First off, I just want to say thank you to so many people for checking on me. It makes me feel loved and not alone. 

Second, I am doing better today. I am getting pretty good at bouncing back from the ongoing shit. I have had to do a lot of healing and releasing lately, which has been aggressive yet good. One of my techniques is to change the narrative. And thus, I write. 

My first belief was that again I allowed someone close enough to hurt me. NEWSFLASH - People are going to hurt me, you, everyone, the world, etc. Life is pain. Suffering however is optional. Buddha talks about acceptance as a way to release suffering. Acceptance is tricky. It doesn't mean accepting and then staying in shitty situations. It means accepting shitty situations are going to happen and then acting accordingly. It means having your eyes open to reality, instead of what you want it to be. 

This situation triggered some untrue beliefs. My initial response was to blame myself. I should have been smarter. I should have been more aware. I shouldn't have been trusting. I should I should I should.... Society has a tendency to blame the victim. Was she drunk? Yes I was. What was she wearing? Probably something summery, freaking slut. I blame myself, but I don't want to believe that because it isn't kind to my inner child. I can accept that sometimes people are going to deceive me and that they are going to hurt me. I can then choose how to act. 

I have then been working to change my perspective on the event. People are going to deceive me. People are going to push my boundaries. I get to choose how I am going to react. My boundaries and safety were pushed. I defended and stood up for myself. I haven't always done that in the past. I am proud of myself and my growth. I am strong. I am also kind and giving. I want to make sure that my perpetrator was safe at his hotel after the situation. 

Instead of should-ing all over myself, I can accept that bad things are going to happen, I am going to make adjustments to who I trust (but people I trust are still going to hurt me sometimes), and then I am going to see my strengths in the situation. I am going to see what I did well. I am going to praise myself. I am going to appreciate the hell out of the people who love me and support me. I am going to keep those people very close. I am going to be more aware of people who are actually supportive as opposed to people who are shallow givers, expecting things that they shouldn't from me. 

***Side note - I remembered that I kicked him off my bed and that he fell on the floor pretty hard. That was satisfying. Thank you KICKBOXING!***

Comments

  1. Hope BevilhymerSeptember 27, 2020 at 1:58 PM

    Bravo!! Keep being your fierce self. You are an amazing soul. -Hope

    ReplyDelete

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