Ramblings of a Starbeam

I had a dream where I built a model world. In my world, I built a hotel with many rooms. There were showcases of art, dancing clubs, shopping centers, and dining areas, all connected by a long hallway. I arranged the space the way I wanted to.  After building my world, I became small enough to fit into the hotel. It was my hotel and I could run it the way that I wanted. It was great. But then there was a zombie apocalypse. I was suddenly protecting the hotel with other staff members and annihilating zombies.  It was like a video game; when I died, I would be reawakened and allowed to come back to protect my space.  The hotel was on the precipice of being lost. However, I was able to corral the troops and we started to take it back. As we begun to triumph, we played music and the zombies started dancing, not as coordinated as the music video for Thriller but more like the zombies in the tv show Midnight Gospel. My world found peace after making it through turmoil.  This dream reminded m

I have been having so many flashbacks. This is why I used to drink. Drinking would help me feel safe in my body. It would drown out the pain that was so loud. I have been alcohol free for over 120 days now.  Trigger alert: childhood sexual abuse.  I have been having visceral and visual flashbacks of being sexually abused when I was 5 years old. Recently when I was intimate with my partner, I couldn't close my eyes because I would be back there.   Being molested at 5 years old multiple times and being threatened is horrific. If I pray to God to save me, if I am not saved, does that mean I deserve this? I am so little that this must be true. It's not true. I know that now. But all I felt like for such a long time was a sex object. Who does that to a kid, to a person? This shit has been buried so deep in me that it has only been coming out the last few years. What happened during covid almost broke me but it allowed me to uncover this deeply buried trauma that has sabotaged my lif

  Last fall I spoke of an assault by a previous partner. I didn’t mean to smear anyone’s name. I posted in the Are We dating the Same Guy group because I wanted to see if anyone else had my experience. I didn't post for a long time because I didn't want to deal with it. I initially posted anonymously. My posts weren't getting noticed so I posted it with my name attached to it.  My posts were deleted without any explanation in this group. I tried posting 3 times. I was soon kicked out of the group because I kept posting about being censored. After my posts were deleted, I started to notice some weird behavior happen around me that made me believe my name had been smeared in an alternative group. The text messages sent from my ex stated that I didn't want a "he said, she said thing."   When it comes down to the facts, I didn’t know if a lack of consent was intentional or not. We both had been drinking. People do things when they’re drinking that they wouldn’t do