Guys, I need to kill my online persona.

Enter into the garden of my life; I will give you a peak as I compost my dead body to fuel something new. 

In 2024, I had a mental health crisis: nothing more and nothing less. My body felt like it was on fire. My body was a fckn cage and I couldn’t escape it. This was a year I decided to take off from alcohol to improve my life. My entire world changed. 

I came home early from the white party to find my home dishelved and my devices hacked. An ex roommate terrorized my safety. One of the biggest mistake I have made is not believing my child (dog) when she told me she was afraid of someone. I didn’t listen to her body signals. I passed on generational trauma. 

The awful year carried on. My grandmother died. My best friend and boyfriend broke up with me. My mom and I had a blow out fight again. Another sexual assault again. This time I ignored the red flags, walking into a devils den. This time it was definitely my fault because I saw bad signs but I did it anyways. I blame myself anyways. 

I was experiencing paranoid thoughts and delusions. I wasn’t sure what was real. So my mind started severing the connection to my body. My face melted. My eyes barely holding onto tangible existence. I couldn’t feel my body because I was so dissociated, so depersonalized. 

Oh my goddess, thank you for allowing my escape from the hell that had taken over my body. 

I peeled off my skin and planted her in the dirt. I’m growing a new skin, something different. A barrier between the world and my guts, my mind, and my love. My old body turns to mush for worms to eat and shit into dirt. That feeds my plants and turn into food that nourishes my new body as she grows into reality again. 

The old body experienced so much judgment. People will sometimes focus on every flaw within you to avoid looking at the flaws within them. Good people justify bad actions onto people they deem not worthy enough to be treated with dignity and respect, which includes the mentally and chronologically ill. 

I feel so betrayed. I sacrificed my health to support others and pay my fucking mortgage. Because who has time to be poor. And this is how I am treated. I understand why people were worried and god I wish someone would have said something to me. 

My life is different now. I am different and I am curious to see who I become. I feel so misunderstood but I am grateful for those who have tried to understand me. I am grateful for those who have stood by me and sought to understand my deteriorated state of mind. I’m sorry if I was selfish and hurt others. I swear that I am very sorry 🙏🏼

I didn’t have inappropriate actions. I didn’t say anything inappropriate. My mind barely tethered to my body as my face twisted out of control. 

I pray to become grateful for my trials. I don’t feel grateful for them. But I do feel grateful that I have made the decisions to turn my pain into something better. That I will not pass on generational curses anymore (I’ll do my best) because oh my fucking god have I been cursed with so much pain. But I will eat it. I swallow it whole. I allow it to feed my anger to carry me out of the dark hole I was thrown into as a child. The dark hole where now my body decomposes. A nutritious snack for flowers to grow in.