Kickboxing Manifestations

 While at kickboxing today, I had three thoughts: 

1. Everyone would benefit from a healthy outlet for anger. 

2. I can notice other peoples' reactions and moods and not react. I do not need to adjust my behavior for them. I do not need to fix their insecurities or bad moods. 

3. When I do my best, I encourage others to do their best. They can be encouraged, have no response, or have a negative response such as jealousy or hatred. Confidence does produce haters. I am not responsible for any of their reactions. 

There are my cliff notes. Feel free to quit reading now. If you are interested in further explanation, continue below. 

1. Anger gets pent up. I didn't go to kickboxing for a few weeks and I have found myself crankier. When I go to kickboxing, I put my issues on the bag. I put my family on the bag. I put the people and situations who piss me onto the bag. I put current issues onto the bag. And I punch the fuck out of them. I feel relieved when I am done. Just like a good cry can leave me feeling relieved, punching until I can't breathe makes me feel lighter and more forgiving. 

2. My codependency makes me feel responsible for others people behavior and moods. When I was growing up, caretaking others emotions was a safety mechanism to keep myself alive and out of the way of abuse. As an adult, it had led me to stay in abusive situations. I take on the ownership for others' moods. I must fix their mood so that I can stay safe. As an adult, I can now leave situations that are not working for me. I do not have to make everyone feel comfortable and at ease. It isn't my job to make everyone happy. It is my job to take care of myself, make myself happy, and quite frankly, keep myself somewhat sane. I am working on noticing their emotions and then turning inward to see what I need. What emotions do I need to soothe or attend to? I can't fix others. I can't change others. I can't determine their reactions. I can control myself. I can attend to myself and my emotions. 

3. When I do my best and get into my zone, other people notice. I have kept myself small because I do not want negative feedback. I don't allow myself to shine because I am not comfortable with attention, whether it be positive or negative, because it hasn't been safe. It is no longer functional for me. I want to thrive. I want to be me, in spite of the positive or negative reactions. It is not my purpose to caretake to others emotions. People can react in three ways. They can rise up to be their best selves, because my shining gives them permission to shine. They cannot react at all, because they are doing their own thing. Or they can become haters. Success does produce haters. People who are jealous or insecure see the greatness of others and deepen their self loathing. I am not responsible to make people love themselves. If others want to sabotage or hate me because I am deepening my self love and doing my thing, that is on them. They are going to live a sad life. The best thing that I can do for me and for them, is do me anyways. 

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