Seasonal depression

 Is anyone else feeling it? I feel trapped by the cold. I don't go out much. Last year I bought a snowboarding pass and that provided some reprieve. This year I didn't buy one because I am not sure what Biden is going to do and honestly I don't have a ton of people to go with. 

I can't travel very far. I am too nervous to book a flight or hotel for fear that it will get cancelled. 

I am stuck inside in this cold, miserable as fuck. Last year was rough. I have been doing a lot of healing. I have been working through some of my PTSD that quite frankly has been terrifying. But I have learned that I am the container of love that holds my pain and says that I love you anyways. I have become my comfort. And I have allowed a select few others to hold my pain with me. For you, I am forever grateful. 

I carry on, randomly crying and shutting down. I used to be one of the most positive people that I knew. Now I am an Eeyore. The truth is that I have always related to Eeyore; I have just buried it so deep that no one knew. I even fooled myself. 

I share this because life is fucking hard. If you aren't feeling hella depressed, I am happy for you. If you feel safe and well, I want you to. I want to feel that way too. I am working on it. I don't know when I will feel safe again. The world is a chaotic place. We are never truly safe. This knowing is what can push us to live more. And I have got to find a way to live more. 

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