Update

 Hello all - welcome to my blog. I like to talk about my feelings here. 

I am feeling overall better these days. It's really nice. It makes the harder days more confusing. 

I love my body but I also have a little bit of hatred for the things that she went through and that I have to wear the flashbacks on my skin. I was intimate with my partner last week and I had to stop him because the flashback was too overwhelming. Parts of my body have been kinda numb since. 

I disassociate a lot from my body. Last year when my pain was too much for my body to handle, I felt like a zombie. I honestly don't know how I didn't end up in a hospital on self- harm watch yall. Oh yeah, breathwork! 

I have been still struggling with s*icide ideation. It sounds like a christian prayer to go to heaven. Please lord take me this time. So the bad days I still experience this. But I am working to replace the death wish with a plan for my future. 

I am planning this beautiful vision for my future: 

An ecovillage, with my people, a space for retreats, doing some kind of healing work, farming the land, connecting with the quiet peace outdoors, fighting against climate change, helping humanity to evolve to weather the storms, getting back to our roots of local community. And a couple of spouses would be pretty cool.  

~~~

I am pretty sure that I am ADHD with a side of autistic - or as it is commonly known - AUDHD. I have been very highly functioning and in survival mode, so I never noticed. As I have come out of survival mode, I have noticed. I had to reduce my masking so that I could be connected to myself to survive. I was disconnected from my body from all of the abuse, from society and self imposed. As I am working with neurodivergent folks, I am like oh yeah a lot of this looks like me. I have taken some diagnostic tools that support the diagnosis but I would need the thorough exam. And that's on the lower end of my priorities for doctor appointments. My main concern is managing my chronic daily pain. I exist at about a 4- 6 daily on the pain scale, with some days moving up to 8. I am seeking answers and also solutions in the form of life style changes. 

~~~

I am feeling more comfortable with my gender identity. I haven't really changed my presentation. I just go through my cycles of growing out and cutting my hair. I have discovered that I definitely lean more submissive / femme. 

I am leaning more into my artistic side. I just love that for me. I am an artist. How cool. 

So despite my brain totally sucking sometimes, my life is overwhelmed with goodness. I'm not talking to my parents and my siblings aren't responding to me. So who knows what will happen on the family front. But whatever. I have spent too long worrying about what happens to them. I am worrying about what happens to me and I am living authentically. I love my community that I am building up after so much has changed through my metamorphosis. 

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