I cried on my way home from the gym today

*trigger warning: child SA* 

I woke up feeling sad. My first instinct is to externalize my feelings. But I have been doing something different. I have been sitting with my feelings and letting them talk with me. 

While I was at the gym working out, I was having flashbacks. My body is in safe relationships so she has been processing lots more memories. Oh yay! - healing! -  fack me LOL 

As I was laying on the bench doing press ups (who knows if that's what they are actually called), I had a visceral flashback. What does visceral mean? It means that how my body felt after abuse comes into my body. When my body was violated violently, it taught me how to dissociate from reality. That put me into a daydream spell any time after. 

The first time was violent. That's how an abuser keeps a victim's silence. The consecutive times can be quicker and happen at a much faster pace, which makes it hard to detect. When a kid starts acting out though, there are signs. No one wants to investigate because maybe it only happened once. Only punish the child so acting out doesn't happen again. The perpetrator would probably be a caretaker and then a family would lose its supports. Better to shush it away. Even siblings choose to ignore the signs because no one has enough mental capacity for that anyways. 

As I have grown older, I began asking questions as my mind was falling apart. This was ultimately caused by all of my childhood trauma. I wouldn't be who I am without my trauma, whether for good or bad. I made choices that made my life worse and I accept responsibility for that. I have accountability for the entirety of my life; it is my job to heal my wounds and do my best to minimize damage around me. 

I have felt abandoned. I have felt alone and confused. I feel misunderstood. One day I will write a book and put so much out there for all. Make a legacy for myself, outside of my shameful family. I was a troubled child. I was a child that was abused and it made me a dramatic little shit. I say that with absolute love for myself. 

I am sorry for anyone that I have hurt in my downward spirals. I hate that I have caused pain for others. However, I am accepting of causing others discomfort. We all NEED discomfort, for it helps us grow and better ourselves IF we CHOOSE it to. But there is a difference between discomfort and hurt. So I am sorry for the hurt <3

I am choosing peace for me. I hold that abandoned child and grieve with her. I cry and I send her love saying that one day she will be safe so to never ever give up. I thank myself for genuinely doing the best that I knew how all of my life. My best looked different some days but I have been in therapy for YEARS. I am grateful for the ACCESS that I have to receive services. I am grateful for the religious services that kept me out of trouble in my youth so I didn't completely fuck up my life. The LDS church kept me out of trouble. But it is yet to be determined if the LDS faith played a role in covering up my abuse. More research to be done. 

I want to be a plus force in this plane of existence. I want to take all of this darkness that I have consumed and spit out wisdom for others to create a better world. I believe in a better world and I am willing to do most of whatever it takes to help create it. I will not however sacrifice myself for a world that has half the time forgotten about me. I MATTER. MY HAPPINESS IS MY OWN. 

I love you. Thanks for reading. May you find something kind to do for yourself or someone today. May you feel more love for yourself and for others. May my words haunt but create enough discomfort for you to disrupt your worldview.