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My dream and the allegory for life

I had a dream where I built a model world. In my world, I built a hotel with many rooms. There were showcases of art, dancing clubs, shopping centers, and dining areas, all connected by a long hallway. I arranged the space the way I wanted to.  After building my world, I became small enough to fit into the hotel. It was my hotel and I could run it the way that I wanted. It was great. But then there was a zombie apocalypse. I was suddenly protecting the hotel with other staff members and annihilating zombies.  It was like a video game; when I died, I would be reawakened and allowed to come back to protect my space.  The hotel was on the precipice of being lost. However, I was able to corral the troops and we started to take it back. As we begun to triumph, we played music and the zombies started dancing, not as coordinated as the music video for Thriller but more like the zombies in the tv show Midnight Gospel. My world found peace after making it through turmoil.  This dream reminded m
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Here's the DL on my trauma, either for your empathy or morbid curiosity.

I have been having so many flashbacks. This is why I used to drink. Drinking would help me feel safe in my body. It would drown out the pain that was so loud. I have been alcohol free for over 120 days now.  Trigger alert: childhood sexual abuse.  I have been having visceral and visual flashbacks of being sexually abused when I was 5 years old. Recently when I was intimate with my partner, I couldn't close my eyes because I would be back there.   Being molested at 5 years old multiple times and being threatened is horrific. If I pray to God to save me, if I am not saved, does that mean I deserve this? I am so little that this must be true. It's not true. I know that now. But all I felt like for such a long time was a sex object. Who does that to a kid, to a person? This shit has been buried so deep in me that it has only been coming out the last few years. What happened during covid almost broke me but it allowed me to uncover this deeply buried trauma that has sabotaged my lif
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My intention wasn't to slander. My intention was to see if someone else had experienced the same.

  Last fall I spoke of an assault by a previous partner. I didn’t mean to smear anyone’s name. I posted in the Are We dating the Same Guy group because I wanted to see if anyone else had my experience. I didn't post for a long time because I didn't want to deal with it. I initially posted anonymously. My posts weren't getting noticed so I posted it with my name attached to it.  My posts were deleted without any explanation in this group. I tried posting 3 times. I was soon kicked out of the group because I kept posting about being censored. After my posts were deleted, I started to notice some weird behavior happen around me that made me believe my name had been smeared in an alternative group. The text messages sent from my ex stated that I didn't want a "he said, she said thing."   When it comes down to the facts, I didn’t know if a lack of consent was intentional or not. We both had been drinking. People do things when they’re drinking that they wouldn’t do
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Kickboxing Manifestations

 While at kickboxing today, I had three thoughts:  1. Everyone would benefit from a healthy outlet for anger.  2. I can notice other peoples' reactions and moods and not react. I do not need to adjust my behavior for them. I do not need to fix their insecurities or bad moods.  3. When I do my best, I encourage others to do their best. They can be encouraged, have no response, or have a negative response such as jealousy or hatred. Confidence does produce haters. I am not responsible for any of their reactions.  There are my cliff notes. Feel free to quit reading now. If you are interested in further explanation, continue below.  1. Anger gets pent up. I didn't go to kickboxing for a few weeks and I have found myself crankier. When I go to kickboxing, I put my issues on the bag. I put my family on the bag. I put the people and situations who piss me onto the bag. I put current issues onto the bag. And I punch the fuck out of them. I feel relieved when I am done. Just like a good
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I was told by a white, older man that I am difficult to manage

 He began by telling me that people like me are like a double edged sword. That I am ambitious and driven. On the other hand, I am difficult to manage.  Hot damn. Would he say that to man? He just told me to stay in my lane. Be great, but not too great.  I am ambitious. Maybe that makes me difficult to manage. I say what I think. I can be a bit abrupt. I have worked on being more gentle and conveying my positive intent. I am not mean. I do not have a negative intention. I appreciate direct communication and cutting through the bullshit.  I am a kind leader. I seek to be inclusive, asking for feedback, seeking to not step on others' toes. The patriarchy is a system that is built on aggression and hierarchy. I don't play well within hierarchies because it generally is based on do what I say because I say it, and not because it is the best idea.  I have decided to not stay in my lane. As I have been stepping into my personal power, I have been finding my voice. People are not goin
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Sociology

I have found this deep well of sadness.  Dr Wayne dyer said when you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. You can’t squeeze a happy person and get anger. You can’t squeeze an angry person and get joy. I have been going to my depths and there is a lot of sadness. I have been moving through my anger through kickboxing and therapy. And what I have been left with is a lot of sadness. I feel a lot of empathy for people. As I was speeding on the freeway, I zoomed around an older gentleman, all pissed off that he was driving so slow.    And then as I passed him, I saw him, an entire being, full of hopes and dreams, sorrows and failures just like myself. And I had a wave of empathy come over me. It is a painful way to live.  It is easy to see people who think differently as the enemy. It is easy to demonize them. But you know what? They are the same as me. Humans are an advanced form of animal, fighting for survival. The group who has power is the same as the group that is not in power. Ev
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Seasonal depression

 Is anyone else feeling it? I feel trapped by the cold. I don't go out much. Last year I bought a snowboarding pass and that provided some reprieve. This year I didn't buy one because I am not sure what Biden is going to do and honestly I don't have a ton of people to go with.  I can't travel very far. I am too nervous to book a flight or hotel for fear that it will get cancelled.  I am stuck inside in this cold, miserable as fuck. Last year was rough. I have been doing a lot of healing. I have been working through some of my PTSD that quite frankly has been terrifying. But I have learned that I am the container of love that holds my pain and says that I love you anyways. I have become my comfort. And I have allowed a select few others to hold my pain with me. For you, I am forever grateful.  I carry on, randomly crying and shutting down. I used to be one of the most positive people that I knew. Now I am an Eeyore. The truth is that I have always related to Eeyore; I ha
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