Self Discovery

I was reading some of the older blogs on here. I did get better. I have been getting better since 2020. 2019/2020 were my lowest years. I used to think my post divorce years were the lowest. But hey I had a blast then. I am too old for that shit now. The years make me bitter. Really, it was probably the alcohol. My current addictions are nicotine, coffee, and nonalcoholic beverages. I have got to cut this nicotine habit: side note.

The universe will do that to us; things get worse and worse until we learn our lesson. I am learning my lessons. I am growing. I am grateful for that. I look back and I pity who I have been: a sad, lost girl.

But I love her still. She did her best. She has maintained a job always, even if sometimes barely LOL. She takes care of her little dog, her baby girl. I love my previous self, even through the self inflicted pain. I have been in therapy for over 8 years now (combined years.) I have read books. I have worked my ass off to be better even as I slipped into bitterness. I tried very hard. And I love myself for that. I ask for feedback and do my best to be open to feedback. I apologize when needed. I am a complicated yet good person. 

I am leaning into that. I am remembering that. I am cherishing that. I am lucky and blessed to be where I am at today. If my life had been 1 degree different, I could have slipped into some kind of awful life. I give glory to god on that note. So I want to use what I have gained. Through my journey, I have found the source of light within me. It has always been within me. It has just been buried. I blame one part genetics / familial raising, one part society, and one part myself. 

There are three circles of influence: you, your relationships, and your community. So don't forget to work on all three. 

I walked my dog with some non-alcoholic wine. What will the neighborhood dog moms think? They are going to think that I am drinking alcohol walking down the street. What they don't know, may hurt me if they repeat it. 

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